i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
