you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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