she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Randomize
