Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
