I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
