I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
