somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
