just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
