i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
