My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
