my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
