i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
