ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
