He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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