I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My butt remains clenched, sir.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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