Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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