I'm eating all of the evidence.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
