I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
