What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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