I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
