captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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