Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
