I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize