I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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