All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
