I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
