Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
