so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Are my feet made of real feet?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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