I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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