Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
