In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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