i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
