Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize