Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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