I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
