in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
