When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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