Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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