she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
3 2 1 whiskey
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
