you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
