I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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