hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
