I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
