She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
