You made me cry and you don't even care
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
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