Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
