I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
