That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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