My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
