Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
