I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
there is puke in my bra ... again
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