im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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