your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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