just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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