Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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