oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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