somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
