In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize