Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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