wat bout pragnant strippers??
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
