Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
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