My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
