You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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