well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
