I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
