Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
