I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
