Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize