I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize