Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Randomize
