Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
