I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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