never play flip cup with pint glasses
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
