you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
